Happiness

"It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life.  As children, we're told to smile and be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults, we're told to look on the bright side. To see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends [husbands] cheat, your friends can disappoint. It's in these moments when you just want to get real, to drop the act, and act your true, scared, unhappy self."

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple. To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though, this wanting to be happy, that keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try and will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get, to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

-- Grey's Anatomy 5/13/2010

If there's one thing I'd like to overcome in my lifetime, it's the overwhelming fear I feel in situations like the one I'm in now. I'd like to trust myself and the universe enough to believe it will be okay. But the past hasn't exactly demonstrated that for me.

Fortunately, I've survived this land of terror before and I'll do it again. Still, I'd like to lay down and wait for the earth to swallow me up. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year. I am beyond tired.

In my last job performance review, I mentioned trying to add some marketable skills to find another job when my job ends in two years. I thought maybe web programming might work. I'm supposed to find a program for that and if it doesn't cost too much, the department will pay for it. I found a one year, on-line program for a couple thousand that I might start after I'm done moving.

The last thing in the world I want to do is spend a year taking programming classes. My brain is not exactly geared for writing code and creating and managing data bases, and I feel too old to learn this sort of thing. I'm more of a copy someone else's code and edit it kind of girl. And I really wanted to find something else to do besides stare at a computer all day. But where the decent paying jobs are, there I will follow.

Many of the houses I'm looking at have character. In other words, they need walls removed, carpeting ripped out and replaced, painting, new appliances, bug fumigation, and some need bathrooms added (yes, NEED, as I'm not going to run up and down the stairs at night to use the bathroom).

This was enough for me to want to make an offer.

You think I'm kidding don't you? Better yet there's a closet with the walls and ceiling covered in the same stuff. I loved it! This is probably why I'm divorced...

And this! I love these appliances!

But like I said, bringing the wiring up to code and all the other work are huge! And I'm a busy girl. If only I was younger and had the stamina for such a project.

This is the sign just up the road from another house I'm considering. 

Now, there's a story waiting to happen. Right now there is a taxodermy shop on the property (there would need to be a cleansing ceremony to get rid of sad, angry animal spirits) and a scary man sits out in his yard next door, allowing his dog to chase your car without even attempting to call the dog back. I don't write in the horror genre, but it might be in my future. And that gun I was going to buy, I need to get back on that. Oh my gosh, the house is starting to create a story already!

I'm looking for a house with some character, with a story to tell and a decent location and yard. Many of the houses are being sold under duress. Plenty of story there.

Maybe the house and I can rejuvenate together.

Oh yeah, and happiness? Well, I can't stick with the familiar and comfortable as Meridith recommends. That's not an option. Unless you count Java and Luke as my anchor points.

But the new is starting to look pretty good. It's an adventure. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Boarding for Horses... Check!

Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation. 
-- William H. Sheldon

I found a great place to board my horses! Huge sigh of relief. It's farther out than I had planned but worth the drive.

I think the most important thing about a boarding facility is the person running it and I really like this lady. She's easy to talk to, helpful, compassionate and she has three dogs, one of which is named Willow, same as my old dog was named. I mentioned my willow tree tattoo in honor of my dear girl, she showed me her tattoo of a beloved horse. It was meant to be.

Oh, and she takes photos of owners horses when they are doing something amusing and sends it to the owners so they can see what their horse is up to. She showed me some of them. Now that's someone who hasn't burned out on taking care of horses and dealing with boarders. So different from many places I've boarded at in the past.

I wanted so bad to take photos of the stable but thought I better wait until my horses are there and I have a better excuse than "Your place is awesome!"

She and her husband have the sweetest house. It looks like a cabin out in the woods and it's as cute inside as it is outside. Not very big, but exactly the kind of place I'd like to live in, with lots of rustic wood and a loft overlooking the living room, a warm cozy place.

There's an outdoor and indoor riding arena, a few trails through the woods, and a spot to park my trailer. She takes in a maximum of 12 horses so it's low key. Boarders are a mix of dressage, cow horses, and everyone trail rides. They even take some group trips so I might finally have some trail riding buddies.

My horses will stay outside most of the time, but are brought into a stall to eat their grain and brought in if the weather gets wet and cold. I can bring my own grain so I don't have to worry about switching them to something new.

So now I just need to find a place to board myself. How hard can it be? Gulp...

I let the horses out in the pasture all this week. Might as well give them some fun time before they are moved to a dirt paddock. It is so luscious and green. Even Java wants to graze.

I'll miss these moments.

But there will be new moments, different, but good. 

I can just hear Murphy thinking, "What ya eatin'? Can I have some?" (Actually, Murphy is not that polite.)

And there will continue to be Java antics.

And pretty portraits.

And hey! Someone brought boxes to church for me today! And there was graduation cake!

It doesn't get better than that!

Help!

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.  ~Italian Proverb

Aaaghhh!

I have until the end of July to find boarding and a home!

Aaaaghhhh!

And pack!

Aaaghhh!

And figure out what I should keep and what should go, which is really tough when you don't know where you are going to live or even what type of housing. Do I need a riding lawn mower? Is the entertainment center too big?

Aaaaghhhh!!!!

I've started to search for boarding. I want to board at a place that feeds square bales; has shelters in pastures to escape from bugs; has an indoor riding arena; that will allow me to park my trailer on site; that is a small, quiet (no pony clubs) facility; and I'll do pasture board but would like them to be able to bring in horses in bad weather; and I want them to be conscientious enough to notice a problem and care enough to fix it!

I had a thoroughbred almost starve to death because they wouldn't let him stay in his stall to eat his hay and the herd kept chasing him off from the hay out in the paddock. Just a slight tweek in their normal routine and they wouldn't do it. I don't want a repeat of that sort of thing.

Newsflash! Oh, good news. Spoke to a woman and I am visiting her boarding facility tomorrow. Both she and her facility sound great!

Fingers crossed!

And I've started to look for housing. And moving boxes and a moving company and I might need a storage unit.

This is getting ugly...

The housing market is a mess, even for buyers. Housing is expected to depreciate for another year. It kind of sounds similar to when you buy a car and it loses value as soon as you drive it off the lot.

Then housing is supposed to stay flat for 5 to 10 years. This is what realtors, the ones you'd think would want to sell you on the idea of buying, are telling me! It's very depressing.

So by the time I retire, the house I buy MAY start to appreciate. Do you bother to put money into and fix up a house given that situation? I guess the only way you can look at it is you buy a house because you love it, and work on it because you enjoy doing that, and if you plan to get any kind of return on it, you stay there for the long haul. My plan for having the house be an investment for retirement is not in the cards.

But renting feels like money going completely out the window and if I plan to buy when I have more time to think, it means I pay for and go through the effort of moving twice! That could cost me $3000-$6000 in moving costs!

Aaaghhhh!

I've made tables consisting of housing choices with pros and cons, I've looked at both rental property and real-estate online, and I've mulled this over and over in my head and there is no choice that is clearly better than the other. Actually, the way things look, buying is the wrong choice right now. But it's probably what I will fight valiantly to do because I hate moving more than anything and the thought of doing it twice in the next year is too much for my brain to deal with.

I'm looking around me right now and it's hitting me hard, how much I love how I've got things fixed up and how much I love the land I'm on. I'm okay when I stay busy with friends, but I'm not so good  alone, staring at what will soon be gone.

I hope my guru friend, Sue, doesn't mind me sharing this, but it's too good to keep to myself. She sent me an e-mail after I got the news of the house selling and I actually printed what she said out and carry it around with me to re-read at times like this. I'll give you a synopsis of what she advised on my housing quest:

"it doesn't have to be the perfectly perfect most awesome place ever-- it's a place to rest up while you get some perspective. make it yours by how you live in and out of it.  just make this your summer and spend it doing things you like, that express how you want your life to look starting now.  the magic perfect living situation will still be out there waiting when you're really ready for it.  take the pressure off.  it's more about how you spend your time than your physical location right?"

"home is a state of mind.  it's anywhere you feel comfortable and safe, and can relax. ignore the cracks in the walls-- or better yet, make little mexican dolls peep out of them.  as you now know-- you can live in a great house and not be happy.  it works the other way too."

I'm telling you, I have really smart friends.

But still, I'm feeling a little like belting out this old Beatle's song, even though I realize that actually, I am more self assured and independent now than I've ever been. As one friend commented today, "Maery, you have your spunk back."

But still, I need some help and I'm glad I've got my peeps. They've played a big part in putting the spunk back in gear, and I do appreciate them bein' 'round.

Where the Hell Am I?!

After a very rainy cloudy week, this weekend turned out to be weather perfect. Mostly sunny and warm and I took full advantage of it on Saturday.

A friend and I went to Lebanon Hills Regional Park where Midwest Mountaineering was allowing people to try out a variety of kayaks. I was leaning towards a sit-upon kayak but they only had the sit-in style, which I discovered wasn't as constricting as I thought it would be. The sit-in was actually quite comfortable, the seat put me up high enough that I wasn't hitting my hands on the sides.

I really liked a 13 foot Venture Easky. It tracked straight, had good initial stability, paddled at a good speed with ease, and my shoulder didn't hurt, although I didn't go very far. Plus it weighed just 46 ponds, although the length would still make it hard to lift.

It was fun and peaceful paddling around the water and checking out the turtles sunbathing on logs. It would be so great to have one more way to enjoy the outdoors. There is something so magically renewing about being out on the water (well, calm water anyway). Maybe someday I'll have my very own kayak.

After kayaking, we took Java for a walk on the park trails. I really liked the trails at this park because they are more natural and rustic than the paved trails Java and I often walk.

The trees were beautiful and there were numerous ponds that you can portage a canoe or kayak to if you are thus inclined. I'm not too crazy about the idea of portaging. I'd rather paddle rivers.

I don't know what this bush was but it was interesting with all it's little fuzzies.

After hiking around, we headed back home to change and go have dinner with some other friends. Thanks to Sue and her hubby, we had a super dinner outside and then watched Ferris Bueller's day off -- always good for a laugh. God bless the 80's!

Sunday was a lazy day spent walking Java at the Rum and just enjoying lounging around outdoors.

I had planned on taking Luke to the park for a ride but I was a bit out of sorts with a possible house buyer deal looming and hadn't slept much Saturday night. The question of where am I going to live and what will I do with the horses and the fear that accompanies that question set in, and I realized just how out of sorts I was when on my drive to church, I suddenly looked around and didn't recognize my surroundings at all! I thought, "Where the hell am I?" even though I was on my usual route.

This made me think my brain was not operating at full throttle and it was probably wise to stay off a horse and stick to walking, which was just fine with Java.

A person (or a dog) couldn't ask for a better weekend.

April Showers in May

Guess what it's been doing all week?

That's right, it's been raining. And the horses have been hiding out.

And there has been much wiping of Java paws.

The clouds have been pretty interesting.

But nothing, not rain, nor sleet, nor snow, stops Java from playing with her branches.

But today we are looking at clearer skies and warmer temps. And I think it will finally be safe to start planting veggies and filling flower pots in preparation for those May flowers!

Normal -- To Be or Not To Be

Okay, I admit it. I am such a sap for watching a movie or program or reading something and getting so spun up and excited about how "the message" speaks to me. It's like little jewels of wisdom dropping out of the air, just waiting for me to pick them up and put my own little spin on them.

My latest gems are about relationships, kind of, but not entirely. Because relationships have a lot to do with "you" -- who you are, how you perceive yourself, how you perceive the world, and how you perceive yourself in the world.

Anyway, I watched the movie "All About Steve" recently. It's another movie with Sandra Bullock in it, and I don't think it got any great reviews or anything, probably wasn't even in the theatre very long, but it is my kind of movie -- quirky characters, humor, and just fun. I'm not much into movies that are brilliant in an arty, cinematography, save-the-world, message-of-the-day, kind of way. I just want to be entertained in an empty, pointless, kind of way.

Anyway, the movie is mainly about Mary Horowitz going on a blind date with a guy named Steve. Mary is a smart, unusual woman, who doesn't get asked out too much, creates crossword puzzles for a living, talks way too much, and always wears a pair of high, shiny, bright red boots.

Steve makes some statement on their very brief date that Mary takes literally, which leads her to chase after Steve when he has to run off suddenly to cover a breaking news story, as he's a camera man. Steve thinks Mary is a psycho stalker and tries to avoid her, but one of the news reporters eggs Mary on to thinking Steve really wants her to follow him.

So that's the jist of the movie.

At one point, Mary is lamenting about things said to her that led her to believe Steve was interested in her and she says,

"Words people! Words! There are meaningful words, there are pointless words, and then there are words that hurt! 
Mary why can't you be like every other girl?
Mary where do you get all that useless information?
Mary why do you talk like that?
Oh and the piece de-resistance, Mary why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time?
You want to know why? I wear them because they make my toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. That's why I wear them!"

Okay, that's kind of a weird, but I totally get what she's saying. We all have our red boots or our cowboy boots (or our red cowboy boots).

It may not even be an article of clothing. it might be the bike or the horse we love to ride. It might be our favorite pen or paint. It could be anything, but it's something that makes us feel good. It's the outward celebration of who we are.

As Mary realizes that Steve doesn't want anything to do with her, she tries to explain why he was so important to her -- "He was my ticket to normal."

Oh boy. That ticket to normal -- to being normal, to hanging out with normal people, to be accepted and thus acceptable. It's a light that we who are weird are so strongly drawn to. No! No! Don't step into the light!

I've been told that everyone feels a little different, a little misunderstood, and at times, everyone experiences the feeling of not fitting in. The difference comes when it overwhelms you and makes you feel so bad you are pretty sure there is no place in the world for you. I used to think I felt the way I do because I'm adopted. Then it was because I had silver front teeth and pointy glasses. Then it was because I was so horribly shy. Then it was because I had a gay child. And now it's because I'm single again in my 50s.

But in none of those situations am I alone. I have seen and met fellow aliens. And I am learning not to seek normal anymore or to try to be normal, because what the heck is that anyway but BORING!

This is the way that Mary Horowitz expressed it,
"New York Times crossword editor Will Short says that we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. I'd like to think he means not just crossword puzzles, but the empty spaces inside of us that come from making your way in a world that doesn't always embrace unique. I tried to fill my empty spaces with words and puzzles and Steve. But that wasn't the answer. Now I know in the journey of life, just find someone as 'normal' as you."

One final Mary Horowitz quote,

"If life is like a crossword puzzle, it should be judged in the same way.

Is it solvable?
Is it entertaining?
Does it sparkle?"

Solvable? -- I'm waiting for all the planets to align, for the house to sell, for a new home to appear, and for space and time to open up in my life to make room for new people and experiences.
Entertaining? -- Oh, my, yes!
Sparkle? -- There's a glow. I'm still getting overwhelmed at times and pile on too many logs and manage to suffocate the flame, but I'm learning.

How about you? Is your life like a crossword puzzle?

And the List Goes On

I'm a big list maker, mainly because I have such a crummy memory and way too many things to remember. Some things on my lists are very small, like "wash sheets". Other things are very large, like "write a book", which I guess I should break down into more manageable bites. And some things have deadlines, like "pick up grain". And other things don't, like "pack up belongings", although, with that one, you just never know, the deadline could suddenly be imminent.

But anything without a set deadline is often hard for me to start or complete. And it seems like for everything I cross off, 10 more things need to be added to my list. Anyway, I knew I had a lot of things to get done this weekend. And there was a house showing Saturday afternoon so there were some timelines, so I tried to lay my schedule out in a list.

Friday Evening

• Bring horses inside and feed since snow (yes, that's right, snow) was predicted.
• Clean upstairs and basement to prepare for house showing Saturday afternoon. Already did main floor Thursday night (thank goodness!). Even washed wood floors (pat on back). But I only made it though upstairs Friday night before I had to...
• Pick up dog and cat food at Chuck and Don's.
• Go to Cabella's to look for sleeping bag and a camping chair.
• Stop at National Camera Exchange. My camera did start working again but in my online search for what was wrong with it, I discovered there was a known issue with my camera's CCD Imager Chip that matched my camera's symptoms. If you have a Canon, you might want to check the list of cameras and see if yours is one that might get this problem eventually.
• Go to REI if I don't find what I'm looking for at Cabellas. I ended up getting a sleeping bag at REI and using my $39 REI award points. This photo would have been a lot funnier if I'd been able to take it with me in it! When I tried the bag out for size, Java seemed to think I was a pod person.

• Eat dinner at Boston's. This wasn't exactly a task on the list, but hey, a girl has to eat and by 9 PM, I was a bit hungry.

Saturday

• Get up early to clean stalls because at...
• 8:30 AM, need to leave to meet Lynn for breakfast at G's Cafe. Lynn gave me this candle holder and "Rose" candle in honor of my new name. It smells wonderful! What a sweet thing to do!

The place that I go to for my massages for my shoulder and back pain is across the street from G's Cafe. I'd love to take the sign on top of their office space as a daily reminder.

Lynn has a similar photo and information about some of the other shops in Anoka you might want to check out.

• Drop bike off at Ramsey Bike to get brakes fixed on way back home from breakfast. This didn't happen because I was running too far behind in the morning to take the time to load up my bike. After all, I had to get the basement cleaning done that I didn't manage to cram in on Friday night. I ended up loading the bike in the truck and bringing it in after...
• Go home and run through house and make sure sinks are still clean and no further dog hair has collected.
• 1:00 take Java for a walk at Rum River park for an hour or so during showing. Java and I went to the park after dropping off my bike.

The park is so intensely green right now. Lots of ferns.

There were a group of kayakers and a canoe on the river.

Java found that very interesting.

Then we had to stop for a scratch break.

And a portrait shot.

• After the house showing is done, return home and take Luke for a ride in the ring in preparation for trail ride on Sunday. We also rode the perimiter of the property and weaved through the trees as additional preparation for riding in the park. Most of Luke's winter coat has been shed and he's looking more like a real horse.

• Hook up truck to trailer. I kept ending up with the hitch on the right or left side of where it needed to be. After numerouse backup - jump out of truck and look - get back in truck and adjust -jump out of truck and look - attempts, I decided to take a break and try again later. I finally got it hitched with some directional hand motion help. So much easier that way.

Sunday

• Trail ride in the afternoon. Yeh! I made it out to my first trail ride of the season! And it went really well! And my son called and wished me Happy Mother's Day while I was riding and we had a nice chat. Yeh!

• Return home, clean out trailer (there is always one pile of manure) and give Java her playtime. A swim in the pool got her a little spun up.

And nothing tops it off like a good roll! Ummm, yes, that is a dog.

• Bake cookies. Check. 

• Collapse. Yup. Definitely did that. And woke up this morning with the worst knee pain I've ever had in my life. I'm not sure what I did. Maybe the two hour trail ride? Jumping in and out of the truck 50 times? Old age? 

But, hey! I had a grrrreat weekend!

Maery Rose? Are You Kidding Me?

This is what the skies have looked like a lot lately.

And this.

And when the sun peeked out, it looked like this.

And then there was this.

What?! What the heck is going on?!

That's what things look like in my camera viewer now and obviously, in the photos too. I think I'll be going to the camera store to see how fixable this is or if I'm better off replacing the camera. For now, no more photos...

The weather has been crazy and it's starting to make me a bit loony too, or should I say loonier. Somehow April and May weather flip flopped so now it is colder, rainier, and a whole lot windier than it was in April.

I hope the weather cooperates and I'm able to take Luke to the park this weekend. It's been two weeks since I've been able to ride so I'm not thrilled about making my next ride be the first one out on the trails, but this is an emergency! I need to regain my equilibrium, and I know the trails will do that for me. Well, unless I get dumped.

And why am I so off balance? A combination of events I'm sure. A couple of us who are most worried about losing our jobs almost had a heart attack when we saw our HR representative in a closed door session with our manager. Generally, not a good sign. Still, they need us for at least two more years, so I'm going with believing we are all getting a promotion.

Then there's just dealing with returning home, getting back into the routine, and missing my family.

Plus, ever since I got home, I've been battling a cold, complete with raw throat, headache, dizziness, runny nose, and lack of energy. This makes me cranky and emotional for some gosh darn reason. I'm hoping I'll snap out of that soon. At least the sore throat and headache part have gone away.

And to top it all off, I have started the process of getting my name changed on identifying documents and accounts. I knew I'd get reactions to my name change from people I know, like the people at work are now calling me Ma-eerie because of the new way I'm spelling Mary, but I wasn't expecting questions and comments from strangers, like people at the social security office, bank, and DMV.

I've been asked, "Can I ask why?" "How did you derive your new name from your old one?"

Okay, why bother to ask whether you can ask if you have already asked? And why are you asking? Why do you care? And would you please get that disapproving sneer off of your cute, little, 20-something face! Just wait. It could happen to you.

Just a wee bit more confirmation that I'm slightly emotional and sensitive lately.

My reply to little chicky-poo was that I changed my entire name because I'm tired of being asked if I'm related to the Olson twins (you know, Mary Kate Olson). Or being asked whether I have a pink cadillac (Mary Kay cosmetics). How about that I changed my name just because I can?

Then there was the woman at the social security office that looked at me, looked at the form I filled out with the name change on it and asked, "Divorce?"

Okay, why that assumption? Do I look like someone a man would kick to the curb? Is it not possible that I just got married?

Okay, over-reacting again. It's probably more common that overly-emotional divorced women change their ENTIRE name, not happy, enchanted brides. So that's probably the reason for the assumption. Yeah, that's it...

So maybe I am coping with my change in circumstances in a silly, immature way. I suppose I should be more sophisticated and together "at my age".

Well, I'm not. I wanted something different, something pretty. I wanted a name to laugh and smile about. And it really comes down to the moment when I first met with my attorney and she told me I could change my name, MY ENTIRE NAME, to anything I wanted.

The tears stopped for a moment and I said, "Really? My whole name? To anything?!"

For a writer, a person who likes to create people and worlds and stuff, this was exciting! It seemed like a promise of possibilities, of a good change coming out of a bad change.

I may not be the shiny agate I used to be. Maybe I'm more like metal that's been put in the fire and pounded into something "interesting". And if my new form doesn't work out, Hey! We'll just heat things up again!

I think of the name change as a shiny new wrapper -- we won't mention what it's covering up.