An Outdoor Day

The weather was good for an outdoor day. By 11:00 it is was in the 20's with wind, but compared to how cold it was yesterday, it was downright beautiful.

I started out by driving out to the stable, with Java as my copilot. I've been too busy or the weather's been too cold for me to get in a ride for a couple weeks. Maybe that's what's wrong with me...

This was after my ride. As you can tell, I didn't work Luke very hard. We both needed a light, loose ride.

I tried to get Luke to play with the red ball under his nose, but he's above that sort of thing.

Next stop, was the Sand Dunes State Forest, which is not too far from the stable. I've ridden Luke there a few times and there were actually two horse trailers parked in the lot. The horses share the trail with snowmobiles, which I would not hazard.

Besides the snowmobile trails, there is a cross country skiing trail. Java  and I could not go on either of those trails so we had to hunt for something that was a little less of an "official" trail.

By this time, it had reached 30 degrees, but the wind was still a bit nippy out in the open. Java and I walked down the road and found a path that appeared to have been taken by one snowmobile so I figured there wasn't a whole lot of traffic. I wanted to do some skijoring training on foot.

Java and I went skijoring a week ago on a short loop at another park. Java all out ran. With the hills and turns making it hard to see very far ahead, I didn't want to go that fast, so I snow plowed and frequently yelled "Easy!"

Occasionally, Java would leap into the air and face me. I think she was saying something like, "Would you quit with the dragging! I'm trying to get some momentum going here!"

Anyway, more training is in order. I am trying to fix this sort of thing - stopping and sniffing.

And this - going off course to stop and sniff.

There is a lot of "On by!" commands going on. And occasionally Java looks at me, like "What?" She does look happy though.

Here's a nice straight, head-up walk.

After walking the trail out and back, we went back to the truck, where I gave Java a drink of water and then put her into the truck so I could go skiing with a friend.

It was overcast but that made it very magical looking in the woods. The shielding from the wind was nice too.

A pileated woodpecker flew over while we were skiing. I think this may be some of his handywork. They are amazing looking birds, but destructive. This tree is marked to be cut down.

I've recently been following a new bunch of blogs that are geared towards myth, story, art and music. They seem to feed my soul with what it needs most right now. I travel to these places online to experience treasured moments of musical, visual, and story bliss.

I'd like to share two (well three really) of these blogs with you right now:

• The Drawing Board's author, Terri Windling, does beautiful drawings but is also a wonderful writer. This link will take you to a photo of Terri's dog sitting on a beautiful hill. You'll just have to go there to see what she's written. Be sure to click on the photo so you can read it. All you dog lovers will know her words ring true.

• At the blog John Barleycorn Must Die there have been a couple interviews with Rima Staines, who has a blog called The Hermitage, which I also enjoy visiting. The first interview was about blogging as a form of art and of creating community. The second one was about the act of creating art. The part that made me laugh was when Rima mentioned that "If I had to work in an office, I’d go mad, and probably run naked down the street, screaming!" Uh, doesn't that sound familiar?

I enjoy reading what people thing about the creative process. It helps me work through some of what I'm struggling with when I write.

So I got my dose of the outdoors today and have been filling my head with beauty and magic. It's a good way to fix whatever ails you. But tomorrow, it's back to work. Sigh... I need a vacation...

A Solitary Life

Life often feels like an endurance test. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.  I have dreamed of doing endurance riding. Maybe just look at it that way - the challenge, the training, building my strength, learning when to speed up and when to take it slow, knowing how to maneuver through obstacles, to come back from mistakes, and to get back on course when I make a wrong turn.

I’ve read a few blogs recently that have asked the question “How real should you be on your blog?” Of course, if you blog for professional reasons, the answer is that you are always professional. But if you blog for personal reasons, what then?

Bloggers tend to show their best life. That’s not just true for bloggers, is it? And is that dishonest or just plain smart? Or perhaps it is simply the considerate thing to do.

I commented on one blog that “Honestly, does anyone want to know how often I’ve been lying on the kitchen floor this week sobbing? I think not.”

My best self is depicted by showing that after a crisis, things do get better. I still believe they do or will. But this month I’ve spent a lot of time on the kitchen floor. Maybe I’ve been holding too much in with no chance to take off the clown suit.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live without watching myself, wondering what I’m doing wrong now. I probably spend too much time pondering why my life has gone the way it has. Was it because I let my guard down too much? Or because I didn’t let it down enough?

I am so confused by what’s okay and what’s not. What love is and what it isn’t. I am frozen to the ground with unknowingness. Afraid to breathe the wrong way, to say or do the wrong thing, to be the me that isn’t what people want.

I loved and believed. Was it a mistake? Was it all a mistake? Or just some of it? And if so, which part? Can anyone tell me?

It’s the combination of life events that gets to me. I look back and shake my head and wonder, “What the hell?!”

My X said the only reason he stayed with me as long as he did was because he felt sorry for me. That’s one of the statements that keeps rattling around in my head, like nails being shaken in a coffee can.
How did I go from the strong woman he admired to someone he pitied? How did I manage to pull that off?

I listened to the book “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett recently. The story is wonderful and the readers of the audio version bring the characters, the setting, and the time period to life.

It’s a story about living in Jackson, Mississippi in 1962. The narrator is a white woman in her early 20s who was raised by her family’s maid, who’s name was Constantine. As a child, the woman was often made fun of and after being called ugly by a group of children, Constantine tells her,

“Every morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?”

I wrote this statement down and repeat it to myself when I hear the criticisms played over and over in my head. Sometimes it works. But often it’s not enough.

Trying to find words for what I want to let go of, I hear myself whisper things like “the hurt” and “the fear” and "the guilt" and I think that’s as much substance as I can give to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe a metaphor would help, something like “My thoughts are glaciers, dropping pieces of me into the sea.”

Finding the right words seems desperately important. Like if I can name it, I can handle it.

I’ve always been too much or too little. I’m not enough fun or not taking things seriously enough. I’ve been too hyper or too tired. I’ve been too outspoken and opinionated or I’ve been too quiet. I’ve been too open and transparent and I’ve been too cold and withdrawn.

I’ve lost track of what I am because I’m always battling dragons in the world of Too Much and Not Enough.

I’ve been sad and tired when times were hard. And I’ve been zany and funny when I’ve been in love and living the dream.

Neither extreme is me. And somewhere in the middle is not me either.

I may say to someone that “I’m not easy,” as if that explains it all. Or “I am what I need to be at any given moment,” which may be closer to the truth.

I warn people that I’m complicated. I feel I owe potential victims that much.

My life seems to be filled with an unusual amount of bad things happening. If you are around me, it can be a bummer. It can be stressful. If you don’t need to live like that yourself, why wouldn’t you leave?

When I lose hope, I cope by thinking of myself as a character in a story. I imagine what the Maery character of my imagination would be thinking or doing if she was living my life.

I try to imagine someone who has sought out and loves the life I’m living. Who has purposely set out to be just exactly what I now am, although I’m not sure that I can name what that is.

This Maery character is strong and confident. She is comfortable in her own skin. She doesn’t want to strip off the outer layer of self and run screaming into the night.

Hero Maery smiles easily, never worrying about how a smile brings out the wrinkles around her eyes and that her capped front teeth are ugly.

She says what’s on her mind and if it comes out wrong, she shrugs and tries to say it another way. If she makes a mistake, she simply tries again. No worries. No guilt.

This Maery gets up in the morning and decides not to believe what the fools say.

Day Two - Much Snow

I spent over an hour clearing the driveway this morning. Came in and while I was pouring myself a cup of coffee, the dang snowplow came by and filled the end of the driveway back up again.

Since my truck's gas tank was empty, and I could start working right away if I just sat down at my computer, it seemed prudent to work at home.

Shy curls up on one side of my office chair, and Java on the other side. I have to be careful not to roll over them.

My job has been intense lately, but in a good way. I've had to quickly learn two new software programs - one software is used to create online tutorials; the other software is a learning management system (LMS) where I can organize the tutorials and track who is using them and how they are scoring on the tests.

I like the challenge of learning these programs and I'm excited about all the things I can do with them. My boss keeps trying to reign me in on going all coolness and futuristic - just Git er done! But I have to throw in some designy, techno-gizmo stuff.

I am discovering that the creative writing that I'm doing on my off hours is intense also. I get so wrapped up in it! I sit all day at a computer, then sit all night too. And I have a hard time stopping my work once I get started so I don't get much sleep.

So I've decided I need to start forcing myself to take breaks. To get outside everyday and get on my elliptical when I can't get outside. I need to ride Luke. I need to relax once in awhile and refuel.

So when I was reaching some sort of zombie state from staring at the computer screen and having to read sentences out loud because I couldn't comprehend the words silently, I decided it was time for Java and I to go on a walk.

We walked over to the Mississippi River, of course. It was a bit icy so it was slow going. And I hadn't thought about how deep the snow would be on the unplowed walking path. I was soon wishing I'd worn my snowshoes.

Java took a moment to contemplate.

I got quite a workout trudging through the deep snow and I thought Java would be worn out too, but she was still raring to go when we got home.

I, on the other hand, had to blow out the driveway again. My neighbor was pulling out the big guns.

I keep hoping someone will take pity on an old lady in her fifty's. It must be because I look so much younger that they ignore my pleading looks. Yeah, that's it...

And just in case the snow has got you down (if you live where it has snowed) or the rain (if you live where it's been raining), here's a group that Terri Windling posted on her blog, The Drawing Board. Terri has many beautiful things to look at and listen to and read on her blog. And this tune put a smile on my face and got my toes tapping. I hope it does the same for you.

It's Baaack

There has been a big lead up to a blizzard coming our way. Nine inches of snow were predicted for my area. Nine inches is too much for my snowblower to handle, but I'd still like at least a few more weeks to ski so I watched with anticipation all day.

I prepared for the downfall by deciding to spend the day writing. Frustratingly enough, I know the main jist of what I want to write about but am running into issues with how much backstory there needs to be. So I have very little to show for all the time I put in and am too written out to come up with anything clever, funny, or moving to put into this blog post.

Worse yet -- no snow. I scoffed and complained, because there was nothing but a lot of wind at my house. Oh, ye of very little patience...

The snow arrived around 5 PM. A bit of a white out.

Nothing distracts Java from her stick, however.

In response for requests for haircut photos, I have to admit that I may have exaggerated on the "gorgeous" comment. My hair actually doesn't look much different, just a tad shorter around the face, which brought out a few more curls. Oh, and no smile because those photos turned out too dorky and faky-smile looking. This is my serious look.

I tried to photoshop in bangs to see how that would look since everyone on TV seems to be sporting bangs lately. However, some of us should just say no to the bangs, although it would cover up the double-deep worry crease between my eyes.

River Views and Gratitude

The days are a bit longer, but it's still a challenge to take Java for a walk after work before the sun sets. Tuesday, Java and I did our speed-walk down to the river and caught the sun just over the trees.

As I was busy snapping photos, a couple teenage boys walked by. One smiled and commented, "It's beautiful, isn't it? I love watching the river."

I had to agree.

The ice has melted off the river surface. I almost stepped onto what I at first thought was snow-covered shore, then noticed the cracks. It was more like a sheets of snow ready to drop off into the river.

On the opposite side of the sky from the sun, the moon was visible.

I was glancing through some of my notes today. You see, I almost always have the program Notepad open when I'm on the computer at work so I can jot down thoughts and ideas that come into my head to look at later. Of course, after work I'm on to a whole bunch of other things. 

I must have hundreds of files of thoughts I've jotted down and never looked back at. Silly me.

I opened one of the files from January, a month when it was bitterly cold. I had made a list of things I was grateful for. It helps me to do this when I feel sorry for myself and I'd just spent a ton of money on a new furnace; money that I'd planned to put in savings for travel to another country - I hadn't decided which country yet, but it doesn't matter now anyway, does it?

So to combat my blues, I jotted down a list of things I was grateful for that day:

• Good, dark coffee, all brewed when I got up.
• The timed coffee maker that brewed the glorious coffee.
• A fenced in yard to let Java out into.
• My car started this morning. 
• There wasn't much traffic. Maybe other people's cars didn't start?
• The weather is "refreshing".
• I have a new furnace and a warm house.
• It's not windy out.
• It's very sunny.
• I don't have to be outside cleaning stalls anymore, and trying to get the tractor started and the water pump in the barn to run.
• Someone brought bagels and danish to work (oh, actually not thankful, as I'm trying to lose weight).
• I have a good job with decent coworkers.
• And a sweet, cuddly, warm Java to sleep with.

And today what am I grateful for?

• I'm always grateful for my friends.
• And for a phone call from my son. I kept telling him, "I'm too busy to talk. I have a really important deadline to make at work!" But then I keep talking and talking because it's so good and he makes me laugh without even trying. And he lets me rant. Until I finally say, "Stop talking to me! I have to go!" and then I start talking again.
• For my friend Sue's recommendation of someone to relayer and reshape my hair. It was quite the drive but I am so gorgeous now.  
• For being able to work at home from time to time. It's a long story, but we had a little water problem at work and the sound of water vacs and fans and cutting up drywall... well, it's been a bit distracting so I took a break and worked at home today. So MUCH better.
• For the warm temps and that I didn't fall down on the ice that's coating every sidewalk and path around.
• That Java is not pulling on our walks. Could there possibly be improvement?!
• And that you guys put up with my rambling on and on...

P.S. For sure check out Sue's 2/16/11 post which has photos of Minnehaha Falls all frozen, and her brave Dad that took a walk with her there. Breathtaking icy beauty!

The Year of the Owl

There are three principles to remember if you are to teach a human being anything, and they are consistency, consistency, consistency. They are such fragile creatures to begin with, with poor eyes, poorer hearing, and no sense of smell left to speak of, it’s no wonder they are made of fear. Some centuries ago they moved inside and with that move went nine-tenths of their intuition. It is almost unmerciful to make them live so long when they spend their lives in so much pain.
-- Pam Houston, "Sight Hound" (statement from Dante the Wolfhound)

In Romping and Rolling in the Rockies, KB thought of 2010 as her Year of the Bobcat. 2011 is her Year of the Mountain Lion. Both animals have their own individual characteristics that represent something significant to KB, and they are animals that are present where she lives and that she captures in photographs.

I have been thinking of 2011 as my Year of the Owl. Owl's are so much on my mind because I have two Great Horned Owls that I see in the trees and that I hear during the day and night. It's become my replacement for the coyotes that I never get to hear or see anymore. The owls make me feel I'm still connected to the wildness that I love. For some reason, the presence of the owls comforts me.

They seem so mysterious and their size - no matter how many times I see them - I still get excited and big-eyed. I utter "Wow" and "Wholy Moly" as they spread their wings and fly off.

This is the best I could do taking a photo of one of the owls from a distance at dusk. 

I looked up information about the symbology and traditional meaning of owls. I really liked it when I read that:

"The owl’s gift of heightened senses enables it to see through deception, external appearances and illusion and to discover hidden truths. The owl puts an end to doubt and offers vision and clarity of the truth of events, people or circumstances in your life."

Can you see why I'm hoping this is truly the year of the owl? If only it had been the year of the owl two or three years ago!

At the simplest level, I just hope this is a year of wisdom, and my focus is on "living" and not fear or pain.

Rushing to Beat the Meltage

It got up into the upper 30's last Saturday and in the mid 40's on Sunday. Snow is melting at an alarming rate, at least alarming if you like winter sports.

I was afraid there might not be much skiing time left, so I went to the ski trails on Saturday morning. I love the names they give various branches of the trails.

 I discovered when a trail is called "Top of the World" you should maybe not take it. It would have been okay if the hill went down, but no, it went up. I ended up taking off my skis at the second leg of it when I kept sliding backwards farther than I was stepping forward.

This is what a real skier looks like.

Back at the parking lot, I ran into a couple who had their dog in a skijoring harness so I went to see if they knew about the Midwest Skijoring Club. People with their animals are always so nice to talk to. Everyone likes to talk about their pet pal and have someone admire their good manners -- the dog's not the people's, although they were very polite and friendly too. Didn't jump on me once.

After skiing for over an hour. It was pizza time at Pompeii Pizzeria. I forgot to take photos, just think "Yum."

After nourishment, I went to the stable. I took a few photos to pass the time while Luke played "catch me if you can." I know he's just standing in this photo but that's because I'm not walking towards him with the halter. By the time I finally caught him, my friend already had her horse saddled and was ready to go into the ring.

I discovered that it doesn't work very well taking your photo from a mirror reflection.

Look! Poles! They were spaced for trotting so there was a bit of clunking at the walk. It's so much fun trotting over them! Luke steps so high and floats. It's magical!

Sunday there was a new skijor trail christening. 

The ribbon cutting was proceeded by a skijoring training session. There were quite a few new people learning how to put on the harness and trying to get their dogs to pull around training drags (chunks of snowmobile tread).

From the photos you can see that all sorts of dog breeds participate. There was an Australian Shepherd  that started out on the trail facing her owner and barking and trying to herd her to ski backwards. So this might not work so well with a herding breed.

There was a bit of dog and people socializing, although we were told that's a no no for the dogs. While they are in harness, dogs should ignore each other and be completely into their owner and the work at hand. That's probably the hardest training point with skijoring.

I did a little bit of skiing with Java for the first time this year (and with snow meltage, probably the last). I had help to keep Java facing forward and to pass dogs correctly.

The trails are on a golf course so they aren't heavily wooded or as scenic as where I usually ski, but they are perfect for training. They are wide and besides one large hill that you can thankfully avoid, there are only gentle slopes with gentle curves. Perfect!

This be the hill that I avoided. Note that the dog on the left is not exactly helping.

This is a two dog team, although they are so together it looks like a single dog. The dogs and the skier were a good team.

I think this is a Burmese Mountain dog. 

And this looks like a Siberian Husky. I think they've done this before.

After trying out the trail and watching the experienced skijorers, we hit the Red Rooster for lunch. Good hamburgers.

Back home, Java spent some quality time with her frisbee.